April 25th: combatting malaise
[ posted by mcdeviltoast ]
Day 221
Since this weekend, I've felt an uncharacteristic malaise, a feeling of stagnancy, impatience, lack of energy, light despair. This is not me. The possibilities: I've developed a chemical imbalance after eating rice at every meal for 7.5 months. That's one theory.
Or it could be malignant homesickness, suppressed by novelty but all the while subdividing beneath the surface. I miss my friends and family back in the states and it grows each week. I feel like I know Haimen as well as I can. I've seen the city limits, bounced around it like a rubber hamster, but the attempts to see the ocean, to get a view of vastness beyond flat rapeseed-blanketed countryside have been thwarted twice now. I feel a little like I'm in the Truman Show dome, and I want out. It only feels real when I venture someplace new, even just Nantong. Haimen's smallness is a comfort, but it's a heavy claustrophobia, in a "rock fever" sense of places like Hawaii.
Or it might be due to the excessive consumption of red meat from this weekend. China is notorious for its inhumanity to animals, perhaps I've absorbed too much bad energy form the four (tasty as they were) beef tenderloins.
Or could it be a symptom of chronic blogging. I've written EVERY day since I got here, whether anything of note happened or not. Since I am now aware of a readership, (subscriptions and all) have I now put pressures on myself to make a dazzling entry each time? Have I changed my perception subconsciously from chronicler to entertainer? Do I feel let down by what actually happens in my life because it might be construed as a boring read?
Whatever the case, at the time of this writing it has subsided somewhat.
Events of the day: badminton, dumplings (twice), "True Romance" director's cut. It is of note to mention I met both the director Tony Scott and Gary Oldman in Moab, on separate occasions. Scott gave me a cigar.
Slept and had aptached dreams.
Since this weekend, I've felt an uncharacteristic malaise, a feeling of stagnancy, impatience, lack of energy, light despair. This is not me. The possibilities: I've developed a chemical imbalance after eating rice at every meal for 7.5 months. That's one theory.
Or it could be malignant homesickness, suppressed by novelty but all the while subdividing beneath the surface. I miss my friends and family back in the states and it grows each week. I feel like I know Haimen as well as I can. I've seen the city limits, bounced around it like a rubber hamster, but the attempts to see the ocean, to get a view of vastness beyond flat rapeseed-blanketed countryside have been thwarted twice now. I feel a little like I'm in the Truman Show dome, and I want out. It only feels real when I venture someplace new, even just Nantong. Haimen's smallness is a comfort, but it's a heavy claustrophobia, in a "rock fever" sense of places like Hawaii.
Or it might be due to the excessive consumption of red meat from this weekend. China is notorious for its inhumanity to animals, perhaps I've absorbed too much bad energy form the four (tasty as they were) beef tenderloins.
Or could it be a symptom of chronic blogging. I've written EVERY day since I got here, whether anything of note happened or not. Since I am now aware of a readership, (subscriptions and all) have I now put pressures on myself to make a dazzling entry each time? Have I changed my perception subconsciously from chronicler to entertainer? Do I feel let down by what actually happens in my life because it might be construed as a boring read?
Whatever the case, at the time of this writing it has subsided somewhat.
Events of the day: badminton, dumplings (twice), "True Romance" director's cut. It is of note to mention I met both the director Tony Scott and Gary Oldman in Moab, on separate occasions. Scott gave me a cigar.
Slept and had aptached dreams.
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[ posted by mcdeviltoast @ 4/25/2005 03:48:00 AM ]
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The dumbtronica act Montana & McDeviltoast, along with their friends, keep each other updated on their activities. Much fun having by all, and Pockys fear for their lives!